Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Silverlock last day
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On the last night of Silverlock's life, we gathered in our bedroom. Our two daughters, her best friend, her sister and the two of us. We knew her life would end the next day, and more powerful than our sadness was the relief for her that her suffering had ended. We chatted and laughed so much that after 3 quarter's of an hour we had to end because we started to get stomache pain of laughing. Everybody including Annemarie was extremely satisfied with such a goodbye. The next day everyone of us took a more serious goodbye one at a time.
The day after her departure, my friend Janus and I went to the cemetry to have a look at the condolation-room, because we wanted to have a look, how we could display the photo's and paintings. After that I took him to the place where she would be buried. She had choosen it herself together with me and her sister, exactly a month before her burial. Arrived at the place I could not believe my eyes at first, so I thought I did not look at the right place. But than I realised that, proven by the flowers laying on the grave, they just had buried there somebody else. I made some noises that could have been heard in other parts of Holland. And just as I did that, the daughter of the deceased and her boyfriend arrived at the scene. I immediately realised how painful for them, but nevertheless confronted them with the problem. My friend Janus did the one right thing and grabbed me by the collar and dragged me away gently. I could make a very long story about it, but the end was that we got offered a forrestgrave. Just as Annemarie wanted, but was not chosen because of the pricetag on that. Afterwards we giggled about it that she had arranged it herself from the afterlive.
Here is my youngest daughter, 13 years of age on this picture, with a lump in her throat, as she said afterwards, playing a violinconcerto of Haydn, on her mother's funeral. Friend Skip accompanied her on the piano. Teaches piano on the Rotterdam Conservatorium. I was and still am so proud of her. She played on the Polish violin we bought a little more than a month before, that was a gift from her mother.
This is the picture I made from a photo also made at the terrace of the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao. I had it printed on several T-shirts. I did wear one during my speech at the funeral, and I wore the rest of them since last 4th of December to remember her and try to let go of her and start the end of my mourning period. I hoped I realy could end it, but realise now it 's the signal of the start of the ending period. I now want to stand in the middle of life again and will use all of my powers to reach that goal. Kiss and bye my love, I'll keep you safe in my heart.
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Thursday, January 18, 2007
Silverlock day6
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Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Silverlock day5
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We had to decide whether to operate, because a next operation would take more of the communicationskills of Annemarie away as the first operation already did. A thought that was a nightmare for her. Luckily the surgeon told us there was a new chemo kind of medicin that had just left the testphase that she could get in order to try to stop regrowing or new tumors. OK.
But after the operation (not right away of course), contacting the physician that had to give her the medication, it soon appeared that the medicin was such a high risk for her blooddisease, that it was no way possible for her. Two very harsh diseases, and both with reasonable treatment chances, but both the treatments not possible because of the other disease. A devastating deadlock. And all the time or her bloodpatelet level lowered (sometimes it rose with the help of our homoeopath) or she had several epeleptic fits. These both reoccured so often, when not occuring the fear of them happening was grasping you at your balls.
Photo below we were at the camp of the dramacourse my youngest participated in. Here she is looking at the play, obviously enjoying it, with constant loud noise and a lot of flickering lights. My other daughter and I hardly enjoyed it because we were sitting cramped of despair, fearing for her to have a fit. And fearing it for our youngest as well. Luckily when Annemarie thought it too much she bended her face down for a while or put her fingers in her ears. It went allright than, it lasted till two days later and she really had a big one.
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Monday, January 15, 2007
Silverlock day4
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And suddenly by awakening our imagination it felt awkward to walk there with a shovel in my hand and I suggested that people could think that we had dig up Annemarie to let her take part in the rememberance. She giggled. She's getting as sick as I am. I'm doing a good job in raising her.
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At (first) Christmas Day we were at her sister's place, with all the relatives of her and her husband. And while everybody frantic tried to act normal, she sat, almost lying, in a nice chair, with a big teatowel to prevent her to make a mess of herself and ate like a beast and made little and also loud noises of enjoyment. It was a feast amidst all the clumsy ways of handling this emotional situation. It was her party.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Silverlock day3
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Saturday, January 13, 2007
Silverlock day2
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October 2002 we we're on a rememberance gathering the night before the funeral of a male colleague of Annemarie, who died of a braintumor. Annemarie already was way too exhausted and without energy. At the end of the gathering she said to me in a proclaiming way > "I'm going to be the next one!" I was too flabbergasted to think straight or remember what I did do exactly , but tried to give her comfort in my belief in her strength and recovering powers. Thinking it was another hump in her existence that she would overcome. 16th of December, just seven weeks further down the road, the blooddisease was diagnosed. A form of bloodcancer which is one of the less dangerous and lethal. It influenced her trombocyte level ( blood platelets). All the year it was said it should or could not influence her energylevel, like it did. On 6 November 2003 she went to a restaurant with the women she regulary played tennis with. 8 women. In a town adjacent to Amersfoort.
About eight o'clock I came back with my youngest daughter from her violinlessons and entering the back garden my 14 year old daughter ran out to me with the phone in her hand, shouting with fear in her voice that something had happened to "mama". Annemarie had during the dinner suddenly turned her head forcingly to the left side upwards and suffered a epileptic fit.
I gathered my daughters, my guts and my shock together and speeded as much as reasonably could, having no time to wait for the condensation on the car window to be blown away, which added to the haze before my eyes, but feeling stressed to the limit to hurry as much as possible, but totally aware in no way I should have a accident myself, because she and the kids needed their man/father more than they had needed him before.
I'm crying right now, writing about seeing her when I entered the ambulance and saw her distressed face, her mouth in a muscle spasm and her eyes totally turned away. I got totally distressed and in shock, but at the same time calm as never before, ready to be her support.
During the ride to the hospital she slowly gained consciousness. The next day a braintumor, the size of a mandarin was diagnosed. 2 December she was operated. On the picture above you can see her the night before, and you can see not only her total devastation and her anxiety in her eyes, but also one of the magnets that was used to make a scan and help pinpoint the surgeon to the exact spot the next day.
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Friday, January 12, 2007
Silverlock
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After the two succesfull courses she had set up on the educational centre, where she worked, were sacrificed to a merger. She never considered it a possibility. I think she had to much zest for work, to do so.
Here she cried because she felt so tired for such a long time, she just could not bear it for that moment. And even than she has a warm smile in her eyes looking at me. My heart trembles at that.
I choose to publish about it the next week in a gesture for myself to say goodbeye to my grief period and give my silverlock back to the light. If you feel uncomfortable about it, you better stay away for the next week. Until the funreraldate 19th January.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Risky 3
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Risky 2
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Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Linefeeling
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Click it to see it some bigger.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Maj too guwls
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Thursday, January 04, 2007
Uncle Art
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I say: "Hello, uh? Can't imagine a butterfly to be a guard. Better it is Uncle John. Who is a very good teacher. Never looses sight of his pupils."
Proposed to the client the first sentence/saying and when I wrote it down here, I started to doubt it and than wrote the second saying down without thinking and now proposed it as well to the client.
By the way > I published in advance, because I am going away for a couple of days.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Blind Caterpillar?
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1. "Question: How can you see that a caterpillar is blind?"
2. "You see it when he has a guide dog, ofcourse, man!"
3. "But with Stevie, from our forest, ......."
4. "......you don't need a dog, to see he is blind! Doesn't it."
Is there someone who wonders why the name Stevie is used in this comic?